Heart Journey

 As I shifted in my sleep, I heard a quiet but very distinct crack.  Oh Lordy!  My sternum cracked.  What if it opens up?  What if I start bleeding internally?  If I just lay very still everything will be okay. This happened before back in 1986 after my first valve surgery.  I heard and felt a crack.  I didn’t move for hours.  Finally my grandma Wava had enough.  She asked me what was wrong and why I refused to move.  I admitted my fear and her no nonsense response was something along the lines of if my sternum cracked open I would be bleeding and would be in a lot of pain and probably dead. Loved her no nonsense answers. So last night I lay really still.  At about the same time I had decided to risk moving and to quit being a baby, Oscar the basset stretched and his leg cracked.  Ah!  It wasn’t me.  Thank goodness for that!

 I had such wonderful nurses while I was at St. Mary’s Hospital in Rochester.  I love how you realize what a small world it is. My first nurse when I was in ICU, I knew!  Won’t say her name here but, my mom taught her in second grade.  When she was a senior and big into dance and volleyball, I was her families pet sitter when they would go to competitions and tournaments.  I have to admit this helped coming out of surgery and settling into ICU.  That first night is pretty brutal.  You know something is different and wrong but you’re still pretty doped up so it’s scary and confusing.  It helped to know my nurse. My second or third or...nurse was a funny one.  Pretty much was like a small fairy that flit around at top nurse speed.  She always said, “my friend” when referring to me.  Drove Grif nuts.  It just made me giggle.  She was one of the happiest nurses I think I’ve ever met.  I imagine a difficult thing to be, in...

 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not. This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps that’s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I don’t have much physical pain. Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happy…I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sad…I lived.  I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent! The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shakin...

 This is torture!  Okay so I’m a little dramatic.  I thought for sure the pain would be the worst.  I would be feeling so much pain and would be so exhausted that I would be just fine laying around, walking a few times and of course doing my breath work. Boy was I wrong.  My heart feels better.  My body feels pretty good.  The pain is manageable with Tylenol.  I attempted to talk Grif into letting me drive to Walmart.  That was a big No with a capital N.   I know, I need to just relax and let my body rest and heal. I will highly regret any activity if it causes my chest to open. So I will attempt to sit still, binge watch shows, read, and plan out my summer garden. Man, this is harder than I thought though.

 My adrenaline and excitement have wore off.  I’m feeling the burn, the itch, the pain.  I knew it was coming. This is the first time around, thanks to the last surgery that Oxy won’t be part of pain management.  Last surgery for almost two weeks after,  I was in a delightful bliss filled fog.  It was heaven!  My pain from my heart was almost nonexistent, I did A LOT of one of my favorite activities…nap.  I LOVED IT!  It also put a lot on Grif and family. There was no way I could care for our small children or our dogs.  Was I becoming addicted?  Was I falling down a rabbit hole?  No.  I did learn a priceless thing about myself however.  That feeling of bliss, calm, euphoria was captivating.  It would be so easy to want that all the time.  Especially knowing I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, Oxy and things like it very easily could be my new best friend. Regardless of the pain and uncomfortable ...

 It’s so hard to believe that two weeks ago I was in Rochester moving through tests to prepare for surgery. It’s one of those weird time things.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye to my friends and headed East.  Today, it feels like months have passed.  Time is a strange thing.  But I’ll take all the time I get with a grateful heart.