2 weeks later…

 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not.

This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps that’s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I don’t have much physical pain.

Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happy…I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sad…I lived. 

I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent!

The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shaking sobs make your chest hurt, making you cry more.

You feel silly and ungrateful talking about it because you know darn well you should just be happy you lived.  You should feel blessed because someone out there despite the best efforts, didn’t live.

You can’t force the sadness away.  You know you have to just pull on your boots and walk through it., feel all of it and hope it doesn’t hurt your physical heart too much.