Moving Forward

 Today was a hard day.  I drove to Sioux Falls to finish up Christmas shopping but by the time I got there, I just felt overwhelmed and extremely tired.  I got my Peppermint White Mocha from Starbucks (never too tired for that) and headed back home.  

Last week we put our beloved red Heeler (Tucker) to sleep.  He was becoming aggressive with people, even biting a lady.  So we had to put him to sleep.

Today I got the call that his ashes were in.  I drove to Dells and picked them up fighting tears.  I quickly left the vet and started bawling.  Sometimes it’s just too much.  

When I got home I cradled Tuckers ashes, wiped my tears and nose and decided I no longer wanted to be awake.  I just lay down, feeling sorry for myself when my phone rang.  My sister Jess was calling to remind me of the wrestling meet in Hartford.  I didn’t have to go.  A part of me didn’t want to go.  I just wanted to go to sleep.

Then I heard my inner voice say “Get your ass out of bed and go to the meet.”.  I dragged myself out of bed and put on my new Jefferson T-shirt.

I’m so glad I listened to that voice.  It was soul healing to sit with my sister.  It was healthy and refreshing watching my amazingly talented nephew wrestle.  It was a smack in the face watching my brother in law coach his team and his son.  Here is a man fighting stage 4 cancer and he gets up every day to teach Physics and coach wrestling.  He doesn’t have a pity party and says he’s just going to sleep because he’s tired of being awake.

I need to keep moving forward.  I need to keep finding the joy.  I need to accept that yes, preparing for OHS is overwhelming and very consuming, it isn’t my entire life.  It doesn’t mean there are not other bad things that will bring me to my knees such as putting a beloved dog to sleep.  This is life.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A crack in the night

 As I shifted in my sleep, I heard a quiet but very distinct crack.  Oh Lordy!  My sternum cracked.  What if it opens up?  What if I start bleeding internally?  If I just lay very still everything will be okay. This happened before back in 1986 after my first valve surgery.  I heard and felt a crack.  I didn’t move for hours.  Finally my grandma Wava had enough.  She asked me what was wrong and why I refused to move.  I admitted my fear and her no nonsense response was something along the lines of if my sternum cracked open I would be bleeding and would be in a lot of pain and probably dead. Loved her no nonsense answers. So last night I lay really still.  At about the same time I had decided to risk moving and to quit being a baby, Oscar the basset stretched and his leg cracked.  Ah!  It wasn’t me.  Thank goodness for that!
Read more

2 weeks later…

Image
 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not. This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps that’s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I don’t have much physical pain. Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happy…I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sad…I lived.  I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent! The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shakin...
Read more

2 weeks ago

 It’s so hard to believe that two weeks ago I was in Rochester moving through tests to prepare for surgery. It’s one of those weird time things.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye to my friends and headed East.  Today, it feels like months have passed.  Time is a strange thing.  But I’ll take all the time I get with a grateful heart.
Read more