No sleep

 Of course I’m not sleeping again.  In one week I’ll be headed to Open Heart Surgery…well not at 3:30 in the morning which is when I’m writing this. 

These are the final days though.  I’m frustrated that I have to head to Rochester on Thursday instead of the day before surgery like every other time.  I know this is because I need tests done before.  Pretty sure this is because I’m older and the surgeon wants a really clear picture of the current situation with my heart before he cracks me open.

There’s so much to do before I go.  Most is stuff I need to do on my own.  Most easy non emotional stuff like tidy the house ( Thanks again Grif for helping me clean this weekend), make dog care sheet for Natali, etc.

The other stuff is emotional stuff that are important but I just don’t want to do.  Writing my funeral plans up and printing it off seems so surreal.  Finding my most special material items and putting names on them so they go to the right people if I die.  Talking to my children before I go.  Two of them I won’t see because they chose to not get vaccinated.  My third I might not see because she had/has Influenza A.

Seeing my friends one last time, knowing it could literally be the last time…well until I stand by their beds to haunt them.  Only kidding.

Bothering Grif constantly about how he’s feeling and if there is anything I can do for him.  This will drive him nuts but I need to make sure he’s okay.

Making a video to play at my funeral.  This too seems weird.  Perhaps it is weird.

I know it will all be okay, but planning for if it doesn’t turn out okay is depressing.


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