The dam Dam has broken

 Well I should be happy I made it this far before the tears started.  Oh I cried when I said goodbye to my loved ones.

Tonight it was so much worse and lasted so much longer.  Some of it was over stuff I have no control of. 

Across a small cement courtyard sits the NICU Cardiac ward.  I watch the nurses never leave the room.  They work on their computer for long hours in the dark while tiny little heart warriors fight to live one more day.

The parent/parents sit by and wait.  Tonight I watched a mom holding baby through the glass.  I’ve also seen mom holding baby in rocker so they must have designated skin to skin care time.

I cry for the little boy I met who got a heart transplant.  He will have to work hard and be so cautious and vigilant just to keep his body from rejecting this unknown organ.  I cry also because science and God are so extraordinary that this young man has another chance at life.

I cry so much for the nurses who work tirelessly to keep their patients safe and well taken care of yet don’t get enough credit or money for all the shoes they fill the minute the walk on their ward.

I cry for the doctors and surgeons who are only as good as the science they stand behind.  They are not gods.  They don’t have the power to save everyone.  Yet they are the most ‘powerful’ so they get screamed at by grieving parents.  Some of these same professionals have to leave their work at work so they can put on the shoes of a partner or/and parent.

I cry for myself.  What will I be like at home?  It’s easy to feel less pain and stay healthy in the hospital.  I know the pain will get worse before the end of healing.  I know depression, anxiousness and feelings of worthless will come upon me like the Black Plague.

I cry because I miss my kids and two of them I shouldn’t see until the end of February.  I cry because one of my boys didn’t even bother sending a text or calling when I messaged him I was headed into surgery.  This breaks my heart.

It’s so important to go stay at my sisters with my mom for awhile but I so miss my dogs.  Many have great suggestions to help with the dogs but don’t truly realize my dogs are batshit crazy with love and excitement.

I know I should go to bed seeing as it’s 2:30 in the morning.  Tomorrow will be better and hopefully I will be back in South Dakota.

Comments

  1. AmyJanuary 23, 2022 at 9:15 AM

    Dear Summer...you go girl! Throw everything out there. Fling it out far and wide here; so much better than having all those thoughts and feelings crashing around inside you. Cry. Write. Let it out. Set it down. Rest. Heal. Repeat as often as needed. I am inspired by your strength of mind, body and soul. I hope now that the sun is up, things look and feel differently.

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