Heart Journey

 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not. This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps that’s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I don’t have much physical pain. Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happy…I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sad…I lived.  I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent! The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shakin...

 This is torture!  Okay so I’m a little dramatic.  I thought for sure the pain would be the worst.  I would be feeling so much pain and would be so exhausted that I would be just fine laying around, walking a few times and of course doing my breath work. Boy was I wrong.  My heart feels better.  My body feels pretty good.  The pain is manageable with Tylenol.  I attempted to talk Grif into letting me drive to Walmart.  That was a big No with a capital N.   I know, I need to just relax and let my body rest and heal. I will highly regret any activity if it causes my chest to open. So I will attempt to sit still, binge watch shows, read, and plan out my summer garden. Man, this is harder than I thought though.

 My adrenaline and excitement have wore off.  I’m feeling the burn, the itch, the pain.  I knew it was coming. This is the first time around, thanks to the last surgery that Oxy won’t be part of pain management.  Last surgery for almost two weeks after,  I was in a delightful bliss filled fog.  It was heaven!  My pain from my heart was almost nonexistent, I did A LOT of one of my favorite activities…nap.  I LOVED IT!  It also put a lot on Grif and family. There was no way I could care for our small children or our dogs.  Was I becoming addicted?  Was I falling down a rabbit hole?  No.  I did learn a priceless thing about myself however.  That feeling of bliss, calm, euphoria was captivating.  It would be so easy to want that all the time.  Especially knowing I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, Oxy and things like it very easily could be my new best friend. Regardless of the pain and uncomfortable ...

 It’s so hard to believe that two weeks ago I was in Rochester moving through tests to prepare for surgery. It’s one of those weird time things.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye to my friends and headed East.  Today, it feels like months have passed.  Time is a strange thing.  But I’ll take all the time I get with a grateful heart.

 The last couple of days have been harder for me than directly after surgery. When you get discharged from major surgery, two groups have to work together and AGREE that it’s time for release.  This is a hard enough task for “regular adults”.  Now imagine two groups with extreme intelligence, the best in their fields and many let’s be honest are very arrogant.  Important for me to add here.  I have a delightfully kind cousin who is a doctor who I don’t think has a single arrogant bone in his body…same goes for his brother who is a Pharmacist.  So not ALL doctors are like that. Saturday rolls around.  I look good, feel good under the circumstances, walking like a speed demon 5-6 times a day, and ready to go.  Cardiologist team says yup.  Surgeons say nope.   Sunday same as Saturday but this time the night before I had a minor episode of AFib.  Surgeons gave thumbs up.  Cardiologists gave thumbs down. I have great respect for all...

 The absolute best part of staying in the hospital is the heated blankets.  Nothing beats them!  I always have a desire to go tent camping in the Fall when I’m covered with a warmed blanket.  The worst by far is something new this trip.  Whenever there is a Code Blue, an intercom comes alive telling what floor, room and that it’s a Code blue.  I have heard it a handful of times.  Heartbreaking each time. One of my favorite nurses, Isabel shared that it happens because many doctors and surgeons go between specialities and floors.  So the mass intercom message that goes to every floor helps them get to the Code Blue as fast as possible.  There was one today over in the cardiac ICU I was in.  It is sad regardless of who it is but I did ask my surgeons PA if it was the “Boy Next door “ from a previous blog post.  It was not him. Isabel also shared that every time it goes off, she and fellow nurses stop what they are doing, bow their hea...

 Being on a ward with a mixture of kids and adults(Mayo is redoing some floors) is quite interesting.  It’s a great study in human behavior. There is a new cardiac patient. We’ll call her Sophie. She is crabby, makes a lot of childish noises in her room.  Pushes her call button constantly…okay not constantly but pretty close.  The nurses can never make this little lady happy.  She is just lonely so the nurses stay as long as they can before attending other people. She is unkind to them.  They dread going into this room. Down the hall there is laughter coming from a room.  He sounds so childlike but chats with a lady in the hall about being from the South.  We’ll call him George.  He walks by occasionally in very snazzy pj’s.  Sometimes, he seems to be in a lot of pain but he always smiles and is kind to the nurses and waves to the other ‘prisoners’. Kindness always matters.  It’s hard during difficult times…times of Wintering. ...