Welcome!

Welcome to my blog.  This blog is for me to write about my upcoming 5th open heart surgery in January.  Please be prepared, sometimes this blog will be raw and will talk about uncomfortable things like death.  Hopefully many times it will be funny and informative.
Enjoy!šŸ˜Š


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Most wonderful dreams

 Warning:  woo woo post Iā€™ve been having the most amazing dreams lately.  So many loved ones who have passed away have visited me. I am a big dream person.  I believe loved ones who cross over come to us in many ways, including dreams. I have dreamed of my beloved grandparents.  My grandma and grandpa M&M.  Grandma Florence with her gentle spirit.  Grandpa Leonard with his black hair and dancing kind eyes.  I am especially close to my grandma Wava who passed last January.  She has visited me in many dreams, especially these past few months as I struggle with this whole heart surgery business. Some of the visitors have been very special because I have never met them.  My grandpa Jim visited me, playing the piano for me.  He was an extraordinary musician and played in a band along with his ā€œregularā€ job.   I was also visited by my brother James who passed before I was born.  Although I have no idea what he would have loo...
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A crack in the night

 As I shifted in my sleep, I heard a quiet but very distinct crack.  Oh Lordy!  My sternum cracked.  What if it opens up?  What if I start bleeding internally?  If I just lay very still everything will be okay. This happened before back in 1986 after my first valve surgery.  I heard and felt a crack.  I didnā€™t move for hours.  Finally my grandma Wava had enough.  She asked me what was wrong and why I refused to move.  I admitted my fear and her no nonsense response was something along the lines of if my sternum cracked open I would be bleeding and would be in a lot of pain and probably dead. Loved her no nonsense answers. So last night I lay really still.  At about the same time I had decided to risk moving and to quit being a baby, Oscar the basset stretched and his leg cracked.  Ah!  It wasnā€™t me.  Thank goodness for that!
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2 weeks laterā€¦

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 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not. This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps thatā€™s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I donā€™t have much physical pain. Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happyā€¦I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sadā€¦I lived.  I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent! The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shakin...
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