Heart Journey

 Has it really been two weeks since I was cracked open?  Time flies whether fun is being had or not. This journey after is not what I expected.  I expected loads of physical pain.  I did not expect the intense emotional pain.  Sadness is my constant friend whether I like it or not.  Perhaps that’s too harsh.  Sometimes I am very happy and quite joy filled that the surgery is done and I don’t have much physical pain. Many times though sadness hits me like a giant angry wave.  I should feel blessed and happy…I lived.  Sometimes I find myself sad…I lived.  I know this is normal.  I know episodes of intense sadness are so very common after surgery.  The body has taken a beating.  You have to rely on others to do basic stuff like driving and reaching above your head.  This is especially frustrating when you are so stubborn and independent! The intensity is enough to bring you to your knees.  The tears and chest shakin...

 This is torture!  Okay so I’m a little dramatic.  I thought for sure the pain would be the worst.  I would be feeling so much pain and would be so exhausted that I would be just fine laying around, walking a few times and of course doing my breath work. Boy was I wrong.  My heart feels better.  My body feels pretty good.  The pain is manageable with Tylenol.  I attempted to talk Grif into letting me drive to Walmart.  That was a big No with a capital N.   I know, I need to just relax and let my body rest and heal. I will highly regret any activity if it causes my chest to open. So I will attempt to sit still, binge watch shows, read, and plan out my summer garden. Man, this is harder than I thought though.

 My adrenaline and excitement have wore off.  I’m feeling the burn, the itch, the pain.  I knew it was coming. This is the first time around, thanks to the last surgery that Oxy won’t be part of pain management.  Last surgery for almost two weeks after,  I was in a delightful bliss filled fog.  It was heaven!  My pain from my heart was almost nonexistent, I did A LOT of one of my favorite activities…nap.  I LOVED IT!  It also put a lot on Grif and family. There was no way I could care for our small children or our dogs.  Was I becoming addicted?  Was I falling down a rabbit hole?  No.  I did learn a priceless thing about myself however.  That feeling of bliss, calm, euphoria was captivating.  It would be so easy to want that all the time.  Especially knowing I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, Oxy and things like it very easily could be my new best friend. Regardless of the pain and uncomfortable ...

 It’s so hard to believe that two weeks ago I was in Rochester moving through tests to prepare for surgery. It’s one of those weird time things.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye to my friends and headed East.  Today, it feels like months have passed.  Time is a strange thing.  But I’ll take all the time I get with a grateful heart.

 The last couple of days have been harder for me than directly after surgery. When you get discharged from major surgery, two groups have to work together and AGREE that it’s time for release.  This is a hard enough task for “regular adults”.  Now imagine two groups with extreme intelligence, the best in their fields and many let’s be honest are very arrogant.  Important for me to add here.  I have a delightfully kind cousin who is a doctor who I don’t think has a single arrogant bone in his body…same goes for his brother who is a Pharmacist.  So not ALL doctors are like that. Saturday rolls around.  I look good, feel good under the circumstances, walking like a speed demon 5-6 times a day, and ready to go.  Cardiologist team says yup.  Surgeons say nope.   Sunday same as Saturday but this time the night before I had a minor episode of AFib.  Surgeons gave thumbs up.  Cardiologists gave thumbs down. I have great respect for all...

 The absolute best part of staying in the hospital is the heated blankets.  Nothing beats them!  I always have a desire to go tent camping in the Fall when I’m covered with a warmed blanket.  The worst by far is something new this trip.  Whenever there is a Code Blue, an intercom comes alive telling what floor, room and that it’s a Code blue.  I have heard it a handful of times.  Heartbreaking each time. One of my favorite nurses, Isabel shared that it happens because many doctors and surgeons go between specialities and floors.  So the mass intercom message that goes to every floor helps them get to the Code Blue as fast as possible.  There was one today over in the cardiac ICU I was in.  It is sad regardless of who it is but I did ask my surgeons PA if it was the “Boy Next door “ from a previous blog post.  It was not him. Isabel also shared that every time it goes off, she and fellow nurses stop what they are doing, bow their hea...

 Being on a ward with a mixture of kids and adults(Mayo is redoing some floors) is quite interesting.  It’s a great study in human behavior. There is a new cardiac patient. We’ll call her Sophie. She is crabby, makes a lot of childish noises in her room.  Pushes her call button constantly…okay not constantly but pretty close.  The nurses can never make this little lady happy.  She is just lonely so the nurses stay as long as they can before attending other people. She is unkind to them.  They dread going into this room. Down the hall there is laughter coming from a room.  He sounds so childlike but chats with a lady in the hall about being from the South.  We’ll call him George.  He walks by occasionally in very snazzy pj’s.  Sometimes, he seems to be in a lot of pain but he always smiles and is kind to the nurses and waves to the other ‘prisoners’. Kindness always matters.  It’s hard during difficult times…times of Wintering. ...

 Well I should be happy I made it this far before the tears started.  Oh I cried when I said goodbye to my loved ones. Tonight it was so much worse and lasted so much longer.  Some of it was over stuff I have no control of.  Across a small cement courtyard sits the NICU Cardiac ward.  I watch the nurses never leave the room.  They work on their computer for long hours in the dark while tiny little heart warriors fight to live one more day. The parent/parents sit by and wait.  Tonight I watched a mom holding baby through the glass.  I’ve also seen mom holding baby in rocker so they must have designated skin to skin care time. I cry for the little boy I met who got a heart transplant.  He will have to work hard and be so cautious and vigilant just to keep his body from rejecting this unknown organ.  I cry also because science and God are so extraordinary that this young man has another chance at life. I cry so much for the nurses who work ...

Wow what a ride that was!  Wish I could say I remembered it.  Wish I could tell all my curious friends that I went into the light and passed over for a quick peek....and remembered what I saw. This was not to be the case though.  I do feel in my 6 surgeries and other procedures that I probably have passed over for a quick peek.  How would I know this?  When I think of it, a very gentle but firm peace settles in me and I see beauty, so much beauty.    Don’t remember this time though.  Here for your enjoyment is what I do remember. They wanted to give me some meds to relax before I got to OR.  It worked pretty darn fast.  I remember telling Grif I loved him and that if I die to please find love again.  Then I was out! Next thing I remember I was prepped completely and the anesthesiologists was talking to me.  She had the most beautiful accent (Russian).  So I proceeded to tell the whole room of surgeons and other doctors abo...

I was in the Cardiac ICU.  In the room next to me there was blond haired young prince of about 12 years old.  The day before my surgery, he had a heart transplant.  This young man had every right to scream during the pain, fight with his parents and hospital staff because of boredom.  This boy who I learned had multiple heart surgeries prior, was quiet, calm, loved to laugh.  People were constantly going into his room.  Can you imagine being on the cusp of puberty and everyone is up in your business and inspecting your chest constantly?  This young man just rolled with it.  I could tell immediately that he was an old soul.  Oh he has bad days I’m sure but already at age 12 he knew how priceless life is and in his case another had to die to give him another chance. It also delighted me when he walked by my room because he didn’t need to show how good he was doing by how far he could walk.  When the nurses told him “Stop when you feel you ...

 I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night.  I have to be up at 4:30 so I’m thinking it’s not even worth going to bed.  I’ll have all day tomorrow to sleep.🤣 I’m doing surprisingly well this time around.  Usually I’ve lost it by this point.  I think part of it is because at 45 years old, I don’t have young kids to worry about.  I’ve also lived a really great life.  Deep down I really feel all will go great tomorrow.  If it doesn’t and I die, it’s still a win.  Well for me, but not for my friends and family. Being someone who loves the supernatural and very interested in “the other side”, I do hope I get a peak…but come back.  Ultimately, I just hope the surgery goes great and the pain is not too unbearable.   I think I’m most worried about that.  I don’t really remember just how painful but I do remember it being pretty intense.   This will probably be my last entry at least for a couple days.  Thank you all who...

 Roller coaster of feelings today.  One minute I’m fine and the next I find myself looking for creative ways to get out of doing this. The appointments went great yesterday.  Negative Covid test so surgery is a go for Monday.  Chat with the Nurse and surgeon was great.  Learned the surgeon I am having (Dr. Dearani) was trained by my surgeon I had two times as a child and he trained my last OHS surgeon.  He is truly one of the best in his field. Dr. Dearani really took his time explaining the entire process.  I’m on the heart lung machine for a very short period of time (around an hour at most).  They stop the heart only long enough to fix the actual conduit.  Most of the 6 hour surgery is actually getting to the heart.  That made me feel a little better.  I’m bummed that they might have to use porcine (pig) parts but it is what it is.  I’m just happy it will save my life regardless if it’s pig, cow, or synthetic. Now I just wai...

 I have been asked many times “What exactly are they doing?”  I’m also asked what happens after. So here goes. I call the night before to find out when I need to report to the hospital.  Usually it’s around 6:00 or so.  I’m Queen for a day as the surgeon has set the entire day aside for only my surgery.  I should probably find myself a tiara!🤣 During surgery, they will replace my artificial valve and also put a stent in one of the arteries on the other side of my heart.  For most of the actual surgery, I will be on the heart lung machine to do the work of my heart as they need to stop my heart to fix the valve.  This is scary but doctors have been using this machine for so long that they are pros and it will be fine. After surgery, I head to ICU where I will wake up and they’ll remove the breathing tube.  I’m of course so high that Lord knows what will come out of my mouth.  Last time I heard the nurses talking about drinks after work. ...

  Well, I’m ready to go.  This was the last piece.  The last thing to do.  Now just need to kick butt at surgery so Grif doesn’t have to open this.  Prayers and love needed for the  surgeon and all his helpers as they fix my heart.  Monday is the big day.  Grif will hopefully give updates on Facebook on how it’s all going. I got this!

  Well, the bag is packed.  Pretty proud of myself that it’s packed a whole day ahead of schedule. My goal was to have everything in place and ready to go today so tomorrow I can just relax and try to center myself.  Not going to happen, but close.  I can tell I’m amping up and getting really anxious.  Way too many bad words are flying out of my mouth at bad drivers and slow people.  Normally I just roll with it. Deep breath!  In…Out.

 Of course I’m not sleeping again.  In one week I’ll be headed to Open Heart Surgery…well not at 3:30 in the morning which is when I’m writing this.  These are the final days though.  I’m frustrated that I have to head to Rochester on Thursday instead of the day before surgery like every other time.  I know this is because I need tests done before.  Pretty sure this is because I’m older and the surgeon wants a really clear picture of the current situation with my heart before he cracks me open. There’s so much to do before I go.  Most is stuff I need to do on my own.  Most easy non emotional stuff like tidy the house ( Thanks again Grif for helping me clean this weekend), make dog care sheet for Natali, etc. The other stuff is emotional stuff that are important but I just don’t want to do.  Writing my funeral plans up and printing it off seems so surreal.  Finding my most special material items and putting names on them so they go to the...

 Sure wish they would allow me to bring a dog to the hospital.  Wouldn’t that be grand!  Although Blu is my girl, I wouldn’t dare bring her.  She is very protective of me.  She’d probably end up biting someone.  I think my choice would be Rosie, one of the bassets.  She’s fat, calm and lazy.  Nice dog to have lay around with you.  Although three days in there isn’t much laying around…walk, walk, walk. I know some will mention that I could register her as a therapy dog but I don’t need a therapy dog.  I just want one there.  I hate when people cheat the system and refuse to be one that does.   So I guess I’ll just look at pictures of all my dogs.  Maybe Natali will zoom with me so I can see them. Speaking of dogs…Blu (my heart dog) is very aware that something is going on.  My heart hurts for her that I can’t help her understand.  I will wait to pack until the very last minute so as not to add more stress to her. ...

 Today I am not feeling so good.  I’m praying I’m not getting sick.  I didn’t even feel like getting Starbucks or swimming.  That’s saying something.  I’m sure it’s just stress and not eating.   Today though I will force myself to take it easy.  Eat cinnamon sugar toast, take a shot of vinegar two times a day (this actually helps…don’t ask me why) and give in and rent “Belfast” at an expensive rate of $19.99.  I’m actually surprised I held off this long as I love everything Ireland especially their history.   I don’t have fear it’s Covid…just down a bit.  Tomorrow will be better, I just know it.  It might also be the fact that I am one week from heading to Mayo Clinic.

 Got a call from the surgeon’s nurse.  Due to Covid amping up, rules have changed.  Now only one person is allowed with me during the surgery and the stay in the hospital.  I’m so frustrated because I was really looking forward to having my mom and Grif there. I’m most frustrated though because my dad and mom can’t even be with me while I wait to be taken back to surgery room.  I am afraid.  My mom and dad have always been there.  I’m blessed that Grif can be there.  Even as a 45 year old I need my mom and dad during this scary time though.  The rules are so strict that as soon as I check in, they have to leave.  I just pray the rules don’t get even more strict and no one can be with me.  The ultimate fear though is that surgery is postponed.  I’m tired of my heart hurting all the time and being tired all the time.

 I was pondering what the worst part of having OHS…besides the obvious of the fear of dying was.  At first I thought it was the removing of all the tubes and wires.  To give one an idea…they snip the stitches, tell you to take a deep breath and yank them out.  Brutal but quick.  Plus, it’s way easier walking the four times a day without tubes and wires hanging from one’s chest. No, the absolute worst is the nightmares.  Getting put under with anesthesia has a nasty side effect or can have…nightmares. For some reason for me at least, these nightmares don’t hit right away.  Usually they lay and wait until I get comfortable at home.  These are not simple run of the mill nightmares.  They are horrendous.  They are mind and heart wrenching. I swore after last surgery and the nightmares that followed that I would NEVER have surgery again.  I would rather die. Well, here I am getting ready to go through it again.  I really hope a diff...

 I have tons of emotions whirling around inside me.  Two weeks from now I’ll be washing myself with the special soap to kill as much bacteria as possible before attempting to go to bed.  The next day I’ll awake by 5:00 and wash again with the nasty soap and get ready to head to St. Mary’s Hospital for OHS that will make my family wait long into the afternoon. Since I learned I needed OHS and the date was set it seemed to take forever to get to these last two weeks.  Now the two weeks will go by in a blur.  I know I will have a roller coaster of emotions.  I will want to withdrawal.  I will become moody and short with people.  The simplest things will make me sad or mad. I know in the final week I will be all but consumed by fear.  Fear that will make my fight or flight amp up to horrible levels.  

 I at first thought these last two weeks, I would eat super healthy, detox with green drinks, etc.  Then I thought more about it and realized why in the world would I do that!  I’ve got two weeks of pure chaos, madness, my fight or flight amping up to insane levels.  I should and will eat whatever I want.  Plus staying in the hospital is awesome for weight loss.  I tend to lose 10-15 lbs after heart surgery.  The food isn’t really that bad.  Really enjoying food isn’t high on the list after surgery.  I’m going to enjoy these next two weeks eating all my favorite foods…with a few healthy choices thrown in.  Here is what I’ve come up with so far. Wendy’s  Olive Garden (This might be hard considering eat in dining should be a no no these past two weeks) Brats and kraut Dill pickles Dill pickle chips Salt and vinegar chips Swiss cheese Gouda cheese Yes, tons of salt, I am aware.  I might have two weeks to live, I’m going all out!