Heart Journey

 I have found knitting to be the key to calm.  All I know how to knit is scarves but I’m okay with that. I had grand plans of doing yoga and meditation as I prepared for surgery to bring calm. This did not happen. Perhaps knitting is my form of meditation.  Plus, I will be able to keep knitting as I heal. Everybody and their dog might be getting scarves by the time I’m done considering my calm is disappearing and knitting helps immensely.

 Christmas was fabulous!  I so enjoyed spending time with family.  I was so thankful for the blessing of just being in the moment.  I didn’t think about this possibly being my last Christmas if surgery doesn’t go well.  I just enjoyed the gathering, the love and joy. Now with that over, it’s time to get serious about what needs to be done.  Covid booster is scheduled and will happen tomorrow so that is the last “requirement “ before surgery. The rest, feels a bit like nesting.  Getting my house in order, stocking the fridge for Natali, writing down (well first remembering them) all my passwords and log in information, destroying journals and stories written that I don’t want others seeing if I die, among so many other things… The list seems endless.  Time dragged on waiting for January to get here and now I’m only three weeks away from surgery.  So much to do.  I just hope I don’t get so wrapped up in trying to control this situation ins...

  Merry Christmas to me!🤣. The infamous Mayo Clinic packet has arrived.  This packet is stock full of pre-surgery information.  I will admit, most of it is very useful.  Although, it would be easier to swallow all the information if they included chocolate. I also discovered my two pre-surgical tests and doctor visit has turned into 6 tests and a meeting with Cardiologist and surgeon.  It will be a very busy Friday before surgery. But first I shall enjoy Christmas with family.

 Warning:  woo woo post I’ve been having the most amazing dreams lately.  So many loved ones who have passed away have visited me. I am a big dream person.  I believe loved ones who cross over come to us in many ways, including dreams. I have dreamed of my beloved grandparents.  My grandma and grandpa M&M.  Grandma Florence with her gentle spirit.  Grandpa Leonard with his black hair and dancing kind eyes.  I am especially close to my grandma Wava who passed last January.  She has visited me in many dreams, especially these past few months as I struggle with this whole heart surgery business. Some of the visitors have been very special because I have never met them.  My grandpa Jim visited me, playing the piano for me.  He was an extraordinary musician and played in a band along with his “regular” job.   I was also visited by my brother James who passed before I was born.  Although I have no idea what he would have loo...

 I was asked a few times by family why this time feels different.  Why is there more anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed? I pondered this and realized on my life journey going through different stages of life I have dealt with OHS surgery very differently each time. My first surgery was when I was a baby so was probably the most simple, although the surgery definitely was not.  All I cared about was eating and being with my mom and dad…or so I’m assuming. My second surgery was when I was 10 and all I cared about was getting it done so I could join my friends again…and being excited I got out of school for months.  Life was so simple. When I was 19 I had my third OHS.  Being on the cusp of adulthood, I was “invincible” and really didn’t even contemplate dying. My forth OHS was the hardest due to having young kids.  My oldest babe was only in 6th grade.  My whole journey around preparing for surgery was all about them.  Were they comfortable? ...

 I’ve been thinking a lot about sin, my sins to be more exact.  Being raised Christian, one must believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior.  One must also confess their sins and ask for forgiveness.  Easy enough…until it’s not. What about the things done or thoughts that are sinful but I don’t and won’t ask for forgiveness for.  Don’t worry I haven’t murdered anyone.   My sins are between me and my maker, but I will say, there are things I have done and plenty of thoughts I’ve had that I don’t feel are wrong.   I truly believe God knows what’s in our hearts, so asking for forgiveness has to be true, has to be truly felt. There are things I feel zero guilt about, even though society and my religion says I should. Does this mean if I die, I’m signing my name to a Hell list?  Will God put judgement upon me because I haven’t always believed Jesus is the one true Savior?  Will I be condemned to Hell because I don’t believe one has to believe in Jesu...

 Today was a hard day.  I drove to Sioux Falls to finish up Christmas shopping but by the time I got there, I just felt overwhelmed and extremely tired.  I got my Peppermint White Mocha from Starbucks (never too tired for that) and headed back home.   Last week we put our beloved red Heeler (Tucker) to sleep.  He was becoming aggressive with people, even biting a lady.  So we had to put him to sleep. Today I got the call that his ashes were in.  I drove to Dells and picked them up fighting tears.  I quickly left the vet and started bawling.  Sometimes it’s just too much.   When I got home I cradled Tuckers ashes, wiped my tears and nose and decided I no longer wanted to be awake.  I just lay down, feeling sorry for myself when my phone rang.  My sister Jess was calling to remind me of the wrestling meet in Hartford.  I didn’t have to go.  A part of me didn’t want to go.  I just wanted to go to sleep. Then I heard...

  Well, I have one month to go before my surgery.  Not sure how I feel about this.  I’m nervous, filled with anxiety, excited to have the chance to feel better, scared of dying, scared of the healing process and pain afterward. There is so much I have to do in the next month both physically and spiritually.  I’m overwhelmed so very overwhelmed. Not the first time, wishing I was super laid back so I could just be and when surgery came just deal with it whatever came. I’m not that way though.  I’m usually wound pretty tight.  I’m not sure I’ve ever just relaxed and been in the present.  My mind is always working on overdrive. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care what happens. Deep breath though and enjoy this last month.

 I may have gotten a little too excited about swimming.  Today, my chest wall and heart hurts something fierce.  It even has made me wince a few times. So no swimming today.  Decided to take the day to just relax and let my heart not have to work so hard.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get right back at it.  It’s so much more fun than walking on the treadmill.

 As I made my way into the swimming lane ready to swim a few laps, I smiled.  I forgot how much I loved swimming!  I forgot how freeing it is. I wanted to push myself and swim laps until exhausted or my heart beat funny…well more than usual.  After all in the lane next to me there was a man looking to be about 70, swimming like he was in a race.  I listened to my body and stopped after 4 laps.  Even I acknowledge if my defibrillator went off while I was swimming, it would not be good. I then wandered around and found the walking pool area. I was disappointed at how slow it was but reminded myself it is not a race.  I simply need to exercise and get my cardio in.   I really don’t like exercising.  My treadmill usually has to be dusted off whenever I do choose to walk on it. I’m excited I decided to join the aquatic center.  I’m actually excited to go everyday.  I might get into better shape after all so recovery isn’t so difficult.

 As I was driving today I heard the very familiar and pleasant sound of two F16 jets.  I love that sound.  I am a bit biased as my dad was in the Sioux Falls Air National Guard for most of my growing up years.  I remember him fondly of pumping his fist in the air and whooping loudly as they flew over when I was a child.  I tried this once with my own kids.  They were not impressed. As I listened and watched them fly over me today, I thought about how amazingly blessed I am to be in America with this complex heart defect.  Had I been born in any other country I may not have been so lucky to survive at birth. I think about all the adults and children who are living in third world and even second world countries who’s only option is basic medical attention and just wait to die.   I think about the individuals who work tirelessly with groups like “Doctors Without Borders”.  How heartbreaking it must feel knowing they can’t save these children and...

 Well, I have decided I am no longer planning for the outcome that I could die from OHS. I am an optimist by nature and I have found thinking about my death and planning for it has done a strange thing to my brain and my mood.  I have found I am becoming very pessimistic and depressed about A LOT of areas of my life. I have yet to decorate for Christmas.  I always decorate for Christmas.  I have been dwelling a lot on what isn’t right in life, instead of finding solutions to make my life better.   Shamefully I must admit, I have thought plenty on how actually nice it would be to die.  Be done with this sad, broken world. I am almost one month away from OHS.  I can either spend that time as an optimist or a pessimist!  It’s all about choice.  It’s time to make a good and healthy choice.

 Surprisingly, with my heart journey over my lifetime I haven’t tried to bargain with God. This time however, I have.  God, I’m sure laughed.  I think God laughs at us a lot. Shortly after I found out I needed OHS, my family found out a family member has stage 4 cancer.  This individual is a husband to one of the most important people in my life.  This man is dad to two kids who are still in high school. I have raised my kids.  I have lived an extraordinary life.  Been loved by the same man for 24 years.  Seen amazing countries and states.  Been so very loved by my family and my husband’s family.  Watched one son marry an extraordinary woman and gave me my first granddaughter.  I have a great relationship and friendship with God.  Have been blessed with amazing friends who put up with me.🤣 So I bargained with God.  My life for my family members.  I’m okay with dying if it means T can stay and finish raising his kids....

 Having coffee and watching a Hallmark movie with my dear friends yesterday, something hit me. It is the simple pleasures that give life meaning. Having coffee multiple times a week with good friends. Laughing at silly stories and jokes. Getting the mail and finding Christmas cards with beautiful pictures of beautiful families that we know and cherish. Wine Wednesday with my sisters. Watching the dogs rip around their yard chasing each other or trying unsuccessfully to catch a bird. Hearing from my children just because. Talking to my mom and occasionally my dad on the phone. Watching one of our delightful pigs (Peter) running full speed across the yard to say hello and get a rub behind the ears. Changing the bed sheets and having clean crisp sheets to crawl into at bedtime. Being surrounded by dogs at bedtime.  All jostling to get closer to Grif and myself. Looking at pictures of my darling granddaughter.  Holding her when I can. Listening to music alone in the car. List...

 I’m moving right along getting ready for surgery.  I got a blood panel to check levels, flu shot and pneumonia shot.  I was going to get the Covid booster but doctor said no, two vaccines is enough for one visit. I’ve come a long way from the little girl running around screaming like a banshee when I had to get my blood drawn. I also got my ant-depressants raised slightly as emotionally it has been pretty difficult.  I hate crying and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.  It’s so different from last time.  Last time I had three young kids.  So it was a lot of running around preparing the kids and worrying about if they would be okay.  This time I actually have to spend time with myself and sit with all of it.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing support system, but some of it is darkness one must sit in alone. The tears might also be in part because of Christmas movies.🤣

 I made it back home from my trip I was so excited for to Asheville.  I came home extremely sad and disappointed. Both the flights were slightly unnerving as my heart acted up the whole time.  I even contemplated driving from N.C. To S.D. so I wouldn’t have to experience those issues again.  It’s a 2 day drive if I drive late into the night so opted not to do that.😀 While there, I realized just how tired my body was.  Instead of exploring a lot, eating great food and enjoying bands at the bars, I slept a lot or read in bed. Lesson learned.  But, at least it wasn’t a trip all the way to Ireland like Grif and I were scheduled to take when I learned I needed OHS. I’m really looking forward to having a healthy heart again so I can resume my obsession with traveling.

 I arrived in Asheville last night.  I immediately felt at peace.  It grew as day arrived and I could see the mountains.   I’m so happy I came here.  Watching the fellow tourists, seeing the mountains, stopping at all my favorite shops has allowed me to escape out of my mind.  Thoughts that were dark and heavy on the upcoming surgery and of death.   This place has such a magical affect on me.  It always has.  This time it’s more powerful.  All is well.   It isn’t that I have stopped thinking entirely on this heart surgery.  This trip has put a bit of a stopper in it. I have found that I get tired so fast here.  Probably because I’m walking everywhere and the higher altitude.  I listen to my body very well though.  I listen sincerely when it tells me to stop and rest or to stop and take a nap. I’ve learned to not feel rushed or guilty when I sleep in instead of being angry that I am wasting precious time here. I d...