Heart Journey

 Having a tough moment.  I don’t want to do this.  How long can I live with the damaged heart I have?  I watched a YouTube video about a man’s journey from heart surgery to going home.  Watching it brought all the memories flooding back along with all the physical feelings.  Each and every feeling of every pic line, wire and tube being pulled out through my skin.  Every cough and the pain from coughing and breathing. I REALLY don’t want to do this.  I’m scared.  What if I don’t ever get off the ventilator?  What if it damages my vocal cords going in or coming out and I sound like a husky man as a woman for the rest of my life?  What if my sternum doesn’t heal right or starts to heal but cracks open again? What if I have a stroke during surgery and I never get back to normal?  I have had a stroke as an infant during surgery or so they think. What if… What if… What if… I don’t want to do this!

There are some key things that I have to do before surgery.  Dentist appointment can be crossed off!  No cavities or bad teeth concerns.  I dread going to the dentist.  Horrible childhood dentist experiences.  So I’m glad it’s done! Next on the list is worse…shots.  Flu and Pneumonia vaccine and Covid booster.  We’ll worry about that after Asheville 

 I’m super excited that I am flying to one of the places I love most in the world tomorrow.  Asheville, NC. Probably not a good decision due to Covid but I’m going anyway.  I feel this strong pull to go one more time before surgery. It will be a bit different of a trip as I am staying downtown and not renting a car.  I usually rent a car so I can drive in the mountains and do some hiking.  Hiking won’t be happening this trip.  I may not be cautious enough to not get on a plane, but I do know better than to hike alone only a month and a half from OHS. That won’t stop my excitement of eating great food and having an occasional local brew though.

 Yesterday I had coffee with a few very dear friends.  My cup overflowing with love for this group. I loved just sitting back and listening to their laughter and funny stories.  I mentally bottled it up to hold in my soul as if it were the rarest and most beautiful gem in the world. I’m so very blessed to have such amazing friends.  I will hold all of them in my heart as I do my family to help me get through the stressful and sad days leading up to surgery and during healing.

 Today is a hard day.  I’m glad it’s time for bed.  I was sad and at times filled with anger.  I’m sad and angry that my parents have to go on this journey again.  I’m angry and saddened that my parents might have to bury another child.  I’m angry and sad that the horrible thought has to be part of their lives. I’m sad that Grif has to have the possibility of losing his wife. I possibly won’t see my only daughter marry.  The possibility of not going with her to pick out a wedding dress and see her married crushes me.   The thought of not watching granddaughter Maria and future grandchildren grow up makes me want to curl up in a ball and wail. Will my children feel abandoned by their mom?  They already deal with the affects of being ‘abandoned’ by their birth parents.  I put quotes because I don’t believe any of the birth parents abandon their children.  They simply know they need to give their children a better life.  Will my c...

 This is common sense and important to do for everyone’s health.  It is especially important for someone like me preparing for surgery. Please!  Please!  If you have any sign of a cold, flu, and obviously Covid stay away from me.  I can only do so much to protect myself ( vaccines, washing hands, wearing a mask).  Please, wash your hands regularly with soap or antibacterial solution.  Have a cold?  Well it may be allergies.  Be on the safe side, choose not to see me. I was accidentally coughed on the other day and then the person wiped their nose with a Kleenex.  Today, I was sick.  Because I am already feeling better, I’m pretty sure it was just a stomach bug and the sniffles from the cold.  But next time it might be worse. I’m too close (2 months) from slice and dice time.  I know, horrible phrase but humor is important.

 One of my biggest struggles preparing for OHS is a weird one for many.  I chew my fingernails.  I have since I was little.  I have learned through psychology courses that I have always done this to deal with stress and to have control something in strong stressful situations and traumatic situations. The problem is that when one chews their fingernails, infection can set in.  Two ways that can really affect the heart with infection is from open skin especially around fingernails and teeth.  So go to the dentist regularly! I know to prepare for surgery, one of the most important things I can do is to avoid infection.  So finger nail biting has to stop.  In my 45 years of life, I have never made it even a month without chewing my fingernails.  It will be interesting to see if I can do it. I also have a dental appointment which is required before open heart surgery.

 I have a lot of love for my family and my husband’s family.  I have a lot of love for my friends who would be great at making me laugh after surgery.  It makes me feel so very loved that my family and friends would come visit me…even in a dreadful hospital hours away. It was hard hearing only two of these beautiful souls can see me before after and in hospital.  The same two people the entire time.  I feel bad for me but also for the two people having to put up with me after surgery.  The first two days is probably fine because I’m higher than a kite.  Then they get to deal with recovering Summer who is getting tubes out, forced to constantly cough to clear the lungs and forced to walk laps around the nurse’s station.  Hopefully I have matured some since last surgery so I’m not as feisty. Grif of course is one of the people.  Lucky Him! Ha ha!  It was decided my mom will of course be the second lucky ticket holder.  If anyone can h...

My family is slightly fractured.  Won’t go into why here out of respect to my kids.  But let’s just say my kids all three have a very strained relationship with each other.  All families are different and I respect that this is my family now.  It may change one day or it might not.  It isn’t in my control.  All I can do is just love all three of them and respect that time is needed for them to want to be in each other’s lives. The time the fracture hurts the most is during holidays and at times of trauma and life changes such as illness and surgery. I want to demand my children all come to Christmas.  I want to tell them they are selfish and not being fair to dad and I.  I want to throw the “I could die!” card on the table.  But my extraordinary children are not kids anymore.  They are adults who can make their own decisions and for two of them, their journey must be in their own time.  I need to fully respect that. I know that I wi...

  I’ve been busy shopping today.  So much for trying to be a minimalist.  I bought practical things as shared in early post.  I also bought some things that pull at the heart strings a little. I decided to purchase three “Mother” journals for my kids.  A journal that ask important questions to share my life the joy and the struggles.   This way if I do die, my kids have something from me and about me. I also bought a “If I Die” planner.  This is a planner that holds everything from my passwords, my living will, funeral wishes, items I wish to pass on and to whom.   Yes, it is depressing and sad.  No one wants to buy a planner like that but every adult should.  I think there would be nothing worse than dying and leaving everything for your spouse, or other loved ones to figure out while they are grieving.

  Having heart surgery as an older woman brings with it different kind of purchases. Today, I purchased a shower seat and a cane.  I learned real quick last heart surgery that a shower seat shouldn’t be looked at as an “old person” tool or a luxury.  It truly is a ‘must have’ when you’re having any kind of surgery with an incision that shouldn’t get wet or are weak physically. The cane is something I wish I had last time for balance and to help me with the dogs.  The cane will terrify them.  Well except Tucker the red healer…he’ll surely attack it. Have to admit, I had no idea there were so many options out there.  Seats and canes that swivel.  Seats with backs on them.  Fancy seats made eco friendly and made out of bamboo.  Canes that are collapsible so you can take them on the go.  Fancy ones with designs on them. I decided to be practical.  I mean after all it’s just a shower seat and a cane.  Plain Jane for me.  Plus t...

  In all my years with a heart defect, I never remember blaming God or being mad at God. I don’t feel God did this to me or caused it as part of his plan.  Perhaps because I’ve always believed in Science.  My heart defect, no uterus and scoliosis is just something biological that happened.   God doesn’t cause bad things to happen but He is there every step of the way to help us with it, through it.  He guides the hands of the selfless life saving surgeons, doctors and nurses.  He’s there to hold all in the palm of His hand moving through each battle, each struggle, and each victory. Most importantly, He’s there to usher us into the next journey if there is no more need for the body.  I believe this is true for every living thing regardless of religious beliefs, regardless if they are human or another species.

Yes, of course it is happening.  I will admit I have been mentally avoiding the truth.  It’s overwhelming…so very overwhelming. All the “simple” things that need to be taken care of such as paying bills in advance, checking with insurance company to make sure they will cover the surgery and follow up visits and testing.  Finding places for my beloved dogs while we’re gone.  Who will take care of the pigs?  What if I’m in the hospital for weeks due to complications. My girl Blu has a constant distressed look on her face.  She is almost suffocating in needing to be on me and smashed up against me all the time. I’m attempting to practice grounding myself and meditating but it isn’t going very well.   Some days I can sleep a lot during the day and still sleep all night.  Then there are days that I sleep during the day and stay up all night with anxiety and stress as my companions…along with Blu. The stress alone of having to ask and accept help from o...

 I really struggled this last week.  So very upsetting because it was my birthday week.  I could feel the black cloud of depression on the horizon.  I had to figure out why and quick before it swallowed me.  Now was definitely not the time to be in a depressive funk.  I have too much to do. Then it hit me as if my spirit guides were whispering in my ear.  This whole vaccine dilemma!  Yes I worry about my health being around non vaccinated people but there was something deeper, more personal. I am unloved.  If my loved ones loved me, they would get vaccinated.  I don't matter.  I'm not important enough to move past the conspiracy theories and fear and get vaccinated.  My self worth plummeted.  My ego kicked in.  It was about me. I'm a firm believer that when there is something you need to learn, the Universe will send a teacher.  There was something I needed to learn from this.  My teacher showed up.  I ...

  Vaccination!  This is one of the most frustrating parts of getting ready for heart surgery. I know for my health I need to not allow anyone not vaccinated to see me before open heart or after for awhile.  I know deep down it could be down right dangerous.  Not to mention if I get Covid before OHS, the surgery is off for the time being. But how do I do this.  None of my children are vaccinated.  Two because they just haven’t ‘gotten around to it’🙄 One of my children is a conspiracy believer and truly believes there hasn’t been enough research done to make it safe and the government is blowing it way out of proportion.  I also have other loved ones who believe this as well. How do I not see them before a risky surgery?  Do I just risk it and let everyone see me?  Do I triple mask and just trust that will keep me safe?  Plus Triple mask is almost suffocating. It’s very hard to put myself first.  It’s more important that everyone els...

 Today I celebrate my 45th birthday.  Pretty good for a spitfire that wasn't suppose to live to see her first birthday.  I have lived a good life and been through a lot.  I have the physical and emotion scars to show it. I have loved and been loved.  I have raised three extraordinary children. I have been all over the world and experienced some pretty amazing things.  I have been raised in the best family that raised me with love, acceptance and taught me how to love and to always be kind.  I have failed miserably at times, especially in parenting.  But I think my kids still turned out pretty good.  I have been married to an amazing man for over two decades that has put up with wild me, depressed me, happy me, hot tempered me. I have added a truly amazing daughter to my life via marriage to my son.   I have become a grandma and been given the most amazing granddaughter by that daughter and son. I of course don't want to die during s...

Winter is a time to reflect, take time to recharge our batteries.  It’s a perfect time to stop and watch the snow, enjoy a hot drink and pick up that book you’ve been waiting to read when life slowed down. It is believed that in Winter everything is dead.  This is not true.  Winter is the time for nature to rest and heal. January is the perfect time to have OHS.  Old will be taken out, new will be placed.  Time to rest and heal. I have a delightfully huge pile of books to tackle.  I’m not looking forward to OHS but I am pleased it is in the Winter.  Plus, I have had it in the heat of Summer and that is most definitely unpleasant. Please, take time to rest and relax in Winter.  Enjoy the cold, snuggle in under blankets with a good book.  Reflect on life and what’s important. Blessings!

  Many people choose to skip over the dark side of major illness such as Cancer or when a heart is failing and OHS is required.  Depression and anxiety accompany many on this journey.  It sits with us long after the surgery, long after the physical healing is complete. I have been plagued with depression for most of my life.  I became a master at masking.  I learned this art when I was very young.  It has been my survival tool to protect those I love around me.  I must protect those around me from sadness, pain, feeling helpless at all cost. I have been to the edge as I call it many times in my life.  The edge being suicide.  Thankfully, that desire to protect my loved ones and friends always pulled me back from the edge. Anti-depressants help tremendously.  It is frustrating being on these (I am a writer.  Anti-depressants block that creativity.  I haven’t written seriously for many years) especially knowing I will need to up ...

  Heart surgery is an interesting thing.  Even though I’ve had four, three that I remember, I don’t remember the pain during healing.  I have heard child birth is the same.  When it’s done, the mother usually says something like “I am NEVER doing that again!”, all the while glaring at her partner. After every OHS, I know I said, “I am NEVER going through that again.  I’d rather just die!”, all the while glaring at my Cardiologist and whoever else is in the room.  Sorry mom and dad! Yet, give it a year or two and the pain is forgotten.  Granted, unlike childbirth where more babies do come and it’s all happy, no one truly wants to ever go through having their sternum sawed open and stretched again.  But perhaps that is why there is a sort of selective amnesia going on.  If the remembrance of the intense pain did stay with us, I’m pretty sure most would rather just lay down and die. Being almost 45 and it being my 5th OHS, I can confidently say ...

The two books I had ordered were waiting for me when I got home from visiting my parents.  I decided to take a more active approach to preparing for OHS this time around.  My last OHS in 2009, I had young kids.  Pretty sure the entire time leading up to surgery was busy trying to prepare my young children what would be happening to mommy.  This is a waste of time for the most part as one really can never prepare children for their parent having to have their chest cracked open.  But, I did the best I could at trying to prepare them. This time around, thankfully my kids are grown…just barely but at least they are not in school still.  Preparing this time around needs to be about getting myself ready instead of trying to avoid the reality like I could in the past.  Like it or not, the sternum saw is coming for me. The first book (Open Heart) was a quick read and kind of boring.  “Getting Cracked” so far is quite funny.  Will admit I bought it b...

 I love bucket lists!  I highly recommend everyone doing them.  Keep them and revise them as you get older or if you actually get to cross stuff off because you did them. What no one tells you though is to start doing the items on them long before you actually need a bucket list because then it’s too late.  I am finding that out.  It is both depressing and humbling at the same time.  Somethings I had on my bucket list that I made many years ago are now out of reach due to time and my current health.  Here are a few of my top ones. 1. Swim free style (no cage) with a Great White. 2.  Cage Diving with a Great White…because really what tourist outfit is going to let you do it without a cage for protection. 3.  Visit India 4.  Visit Africa, go on a Safari and see where Nelson Mandela lived and was in prison. 5.  Try mountain climbing. These are only 5 on a long list.  I can do zero of them before surgery in January.  I did bri...

I made my first purchase to prepare for recovery.  Bras.  I know, weird.  Last time I had surgery, I was so excited that I would be given a free pass to not wear bras for many months following surgery.  I mentioned this to the nurse as I was checking out of the hospital and she chuckled and said, “Hun, with your girls you most definitely have to wear a bra or you are going to be in A LOT of pain.”  So, being unprepared, I had to pull a sports bra on and keep it on 24/7 except showering because quite frankly once I finally wrestled into it, there was no way I was taking it off. Being older and wiser now, I discovered sports bras that zipper in the front.  If I had been an exerciser like I was suppose to be, I would have known these existed. Even if you haven’t had OHS, check these out.  They are quite something.  Although I am definitely not looking forward to the recovery process, at least I now know I won’t have to live in a smelly sports bra for...

  It’s very strange knowing in a little over two months that open heart surgery and possibly death will be happening.  It plays with your mind and your feelings and your fears.  This is horrible especially for someone like me who tends to swing from one extreme to the next like a wild pendulum.  I know I should get my butt in gear, put my big girl panties on and get super healthy.  Surely doing absolutely everything I possibly can health wise will make the chances of survival greater and the recovery better.  I know this, but…. Then I think wait a minute!  What if I have two months to live.  Shouldn’t I enjoy life to the fullest.  Eat what I want, do what I want, be crazy and irresponsible. Yes I know there is a happy medium.  See sentence above…I am not one to know any happy medium.  Perhaps that is one of the lessons I am to learn on this journey to getting new engine parts. I will always drink White Chocolate Mochas but perhaps t...